Misfit Robot Daydream: Starcrash (1978)

Starcrash (1978) - Movie review plus screencaps:

"Starcrash!" a.k.a. "The Clash of the Stars!" a.k.a. "Stellar Clashes Beyond the Third Dimension!" a.k.a. "The Adventures of Stella Star!"

Spoilers, I guess...

This Italian Star Wars knock-off from 1978 fails on every level. Wooden acting. Hideous costumes. Fake plastic spaceships. Out of focus special effects. Nonsensical plot twists. Oh, and one of the stars is David Hasselhoff. Needless to say, it's FANTASTIC!

Smooth Characters

The movie stars Caroline Munro modeling her exciting space bikini as criminal-slash-adventurer Stella Star. She's sort of a female Han Solo. It also stars Marjoe Gortner as Akton, a white guy with a giant space afro who fights with a fake lightsaber and gains various super powers throughout the movie. He's like a cross between Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Other characters include a robot sidekick with a cartoonish Texas accent and a bald guy with green skin.

"Damn, I'm Evil!"

The villain of the flick is Count Zarth Arn who is constantly laughing maniacally while flapping his Dracula cape around. So evil. Oh, and I can't forget Hasselhoff; he's basically Princess Leia, although he wears a lot more makeup than I ever saw on Carrie Fisher.

Hoff's Going Heavy on the Makeup

Christopher Plummer is the only person in the film who can act, which makes him stick out like a sore thumb. He plays Hasselhoff's dad, "The Emperor of the Galaxy." He delivers all his lines like he's in Hamlet or something, with dramatic, William Shatner-like pauses. The effect is bizarre... like he doesn't realize what movie he's in. He also has the best line in the movie, when seconds before our heroes are about to die in an explosion, he gazes up at the ceiling and shouts, "Imperial battleship... halt... the flow of time!" And then time stops so our heroes can escape, with no explanation ever given for how this amazing feat was accomplished. Awesome.

Christopher Plummer Doesn't Know What Movie He's In

The plot is a lot of silly nonsense, with Stella Star and her intrepid band of space buddies travelling around in their spaceship getting into adventures while trying to save the universe from the evil Count Zarth. So the film is broken up into various episodes where we see Stella fight Space Cavemen, Space Amazons, a giant space robot, and what not.

Pressing Buttons

Later, the good guys attack the Count's version of the Death Star, which, is shaped like a giant flying space hand. Oh, and when it goes into combat, the giant space hand contracts into a fist! Awesome! Anyway, they attack the ship by shooting giant golden dildos at it. Once the dildos crash through the windows of the spaceship, they pop open and soldiers jump out.

Pew! Pew! Pew!

The movie's costumes and sets are ridiculously colorful and goofy. It looks more like it was made in 1968 than '78, it has the same pop art sensibillity as films like Barbarella, Diabolik, or the Adam West Batman TV series.

Captured by Space Amazons

This movie is DUMB, but it is fun. And Caroline Munro does look pretty sexy in her space bikini. I recommend this title to all discerning fans of science fiction cinema.