Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival: The Final Chapter

Hi folks, Your Weird Uncle here.  If you've been reading my previous posts, you'll know that that Larry over at Hollywood Blockbuster video hooked my up with a big stack of Christmas movies to watch with my three young nephews, Scratch, Nick, and Hob.  All those movies turned out to be horror movies disguised as Christmas movies, causing myself and my three young charges a great deal of distress.  So yesterday, I headed back over to Hollywood Blockbuster Video to return these movies, and give Larry a piece of my mind.

What I found when I arrived shocked me.  The video store was gone!  In it's place was a vacant lot, with a few remains of a building that looked like it burned down decades ago!  I went over to the Taco Hut across the street to see if they knew what happened, but the kids that worked there were no help.  They said that lot has been empty for years as far as they knew.

I just don't understand it!  Am I going crazy?  I can't be... I've got this stack of all the latest Christmas movie released on shiny new VHS cassettes to prove I was really there!  I don't know what to think!

I've got to find out what happened to Larry and the video store.  Maybe "The Google" can help.  I'll try typing in "Hollywood Blockbuster Video" plus my town, and see if what pops up.  If something happened to it, it should be in the news. 

Nope.  Nothing... wait, what's this?  According to "The Google," Hollywood Blockbuster Video went out of business 6 years ago, and closed all of their stores!  Well, that can't be right, I was just there a few days ago.

Wait, the building in that lot looked like it was in a fire.  I'll try adding "fire" to my search...  there's one result, from my local newspaper... but it's from 1992:

FIRE AT LOCAL VIDEO STORE THAT LEFT 4 DEAD POSSIBLE MURDER/SUICIDE

By Cogs Stromway
Saturday, Dec. 26, 1992

Photo of Larry Yurwerduncoll provided by Hollywood Blockbuster Video

Police and Fire officials are investigating the fire that burned down the Hollywood Blockbuster Video on the corner of 11th Street and Carson on Christmas morning.  The body of store clerk Larry Yurwerduncoll was found in the building, along with the remains of three unidentified children.  Originally viewed as an accident, the officials now believe the fire was arson, started by Yurwerduncoll.  Prelimenary autopsy reports indicate that the three children were dead before the fire, and may have been part of a murder and suicide plot by Mr. Yurwerduncoll.  Police Chief Nips Nogberth plans on giving a press conference later this afternoon, in which more information will be revealed.

That photo looks just like Larry, but this article can't be right!  Larry is an odd character, sure, but he wouldn't murder kids!  Is that Larry's last name, "Yurwerduncoll?"  Why does that sound so familiar?

Hey, do I smell smoke...?

13 Christmas Carols From Hell

It's become something of a holiday tradition for me to scour the YouTubes to find the weirdest, creepiest, most perverted and outrageous Christmas songs ever recorded and then gather them together here on this blog, for the listening "pleasure" of all you creeps and weirdos out there.  So gather your loved ones 'round ye olde cell phones, computer monitors, and other internet enabled household appliances, 'cuz it's time for another batch of Kooky Creepmas Carols!

1. "Weird Al" Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero
Weird Al sings a peppy, traditional sounding Christmas pop song about celebrating the holidays during a nuclear holocaust.

Sample lyrics:
"Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero.  There's panic in the crowd.  We can dodge debris while we trim the tree, underneath a mushroom cloud."

2. Wild Man Fischer (duet with Dr Demento) - I'm A Christmas Tree
One of them is "wild" and one of them is "demented."  Together they duet a song about a Christmas tree and Santa Claus that sounds like it was sung by a mentally unhinged street corner doomsayer.

Sample lyrics:
"Oh, Santa Claus!  Oh, Santa Claus!  He breaks lots of laws!  He trespasses!  He breaks and enters!  He travels all around the world without a valid passport!"

3. Oscar The Grouch - I Hate Christmas
A Creepmas classic, as an actual monster sings about how much he hates Christmas.  Put this one on when you want to ruin the mood at your family's holiday gathering.

Sample lyrics:
"Here comes Santa, girls and boys.  So, who needs that big red noise!  I'll tell him where to put his toys!  I hate Christmas!"

4. Rudolph & The Gang - Here Comes Fatty Claus
Take the above Oscar the Grouch track, "I Hate Christmas," and multiply that hate by 100, and you'll have this charming ditty by Rudolph & The Gang.

Sample lyrics:
"Here comes fatty with his sack of shit, and all them stinkin' reindeer.  Well, I believe in Santa Claus.  Yeah, I believe that he's a prick."

More Creeptastic Christmas Tracks after the break...

The Children (2008)

Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival

Well, I think I've finally done it.  I think I finally found the perfect family Christmas movie.  If you've been reading my movie reviews for the past week, you know I've had some bad luck with the movies I've been watching with my three young nephews for the holidays.   Every Christmas movie I've tried to watch has turned out to be a creepy horror movie!  Who even knew there was such a thing as Christmas-themed horror movies?  Not me!  Those are two things that just don't go together as far as I'm concerned.

But I think I finally found a good one this time.  It's called "The Children."  It's about two adult sisters who get together with their children and their husbands to celebrate Christmas.  It's full of cute little kids getting into snowball fights, sledding, making snowmen, playing with toys, eating Christmas dinner... it sounds wonderful!  I can't wait to watch it with my three young nephews.  We're going to watch it right now and then I'll be back with my review.

My Three Nephews (Jimmy, Timmy, and Jimmy) Watch "The Children."

The Children (2008)

Sweet Mother of Murgatroyd!  What was that?!?!  This movie started out just like I thought it would as we watch a family get together to celebrate the Holy Holiday in the snow.  Then the children got some kind of disease... a disease that turned them all into crazed psycho killers!  This movie was a blood filled kill-fest!   Sweet adorable innocent children murdering their parents!  Mothers forced to kill their own children!  Stabbings!  Beatings! Broken bones!  And the blood!  Blood everywhere!   Why God?  Why is this happening?  It's as if this Christmas has been cursed by demons from Hell!  The blood, the blood... so much blood!!!

A Blood Streaked Kill-Kid

Oh, gosh... excuse me folks... I need a moment to calm down.

Dead Daddy

I've had it up to here with all these sick freaky movies, I'll tell you what!  I don't know what to think about my buddy Larry over at Hollywood Blockbuster Video.  He must be some kind of creep-o if he thinks these are appropriate films for family fun time!  Well, I'm not going to watch anymore of these sick flicks, that's for sure!  I'm going to return them all tonight, and I plan on giving Larry a piece of my mind while I'm at it.  Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with some REAL family Christmas movies, like "Miracle on 34th Street," or "Frosty the Snowman."  Tune in next time, when the family fun will finally begin like it should have from the beginning!  Until then, Merry Christmas!

A Pack of Murder-Happy Kill-Kids

More screencaps after the break...

The Elf on the Shelf - Apparently it is Creepy

So I was never bothered by The Elf on the Shelf when I was a kid.  We never had one in my house, but the relatives we visited every Christmas did, so I grew up with them as part of my Christmas traditions.  I always thought they were cute and harmless.  But apparently I was wrong, as they are creepy, scary, and subversive, according to the news.  Seriously, just Google The Elf on the Shelf news and see for yourself.  Here are are a few of the articles:

 Just look at those eyes! The Elf on the Shelf is creeping out parents everywhere
NEWS.com.au - ‎Dec 1, 2015‎
I am the kind of person who dislikes, no scrap that, I am absolutely freakin' petrified of clowns and creepy dolls. Elf on the Shelf is basically a Christmas themed creepy doll. Have you seen those eyes? If you didn't think Toy Story was real those ...

Popular Christmas toy is 'training kids to live in a surveillance state ...
Telegraph.co.uk - ‎Dec 1, 2015‎
Elf on the Shelf - a Christmas-themed toy so popular in the US that it's emergence each December is now described as 'traditional' - has been criticised in a new paper from the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, which warns that the toy teaches ...

The Elf on the Shelf is watching you
Santa Rosa Press Democrat (blog) - ‎Dec 4, 2015‎
Is the Elf on the Shelf Santa's little helper or is he something far more sinister? That Elf occupying millions of American homes during the month of December has come under scrutiny by researchers who claim the popular Christmas doll sends a scary ...

 25 Elf on the Shelf Photos That Will Haunt Your Holiday Nightmares
E! Online - ‎Dec 1, 2015‎
"It's a fun-filled Christmas tradition that's captured the hearts of children everywhere who welcome home one of Santa's scout elves each holiday season," reads the cheery description on the website. "The elves are magical helpers that help Santa Claus ...

5 Naughty Elf On The Shelf Ideas
Huffington Post Canada - ‎Dec 3, 2015‎
The creepy looking doll was created from the 2005 book The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition, and just like in the book, the plush toy is supposed to watch over children at night and report any mischief to Santa in the North Pole. Whether or not ...

Elf on the Shelf: Helpful tool for parents or something more sinister?
CBC.ca - ‎Nov 30, 2015‎
Parents have long warned misbehaving children of what might await them when they open their stocking on Christmas morning. In the past few ... 'Elf on a Shelf' tradition meets the internet, gets creepy · 'Elf on the Shelf' is anywhere but in Edmonton ...

Scary Creepmas, everybody!  The holiday movie reviews will be back tomorrow, when "Your Weird Uncle" reviews 2008's The Children.  Until then, don't turn your back on The Elf on the Shelf! 

Black Christmas (1974)

Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival

Hi, folks, Your Weird Uncle here.  If you've been reading my posts for the last few days, you'll know I've been trying to watch family friendly Christmas movies with my three nephews: Harry, Mark, and John.  But all the movies we've watched have turned out to be creepy horror movies disguised as Christmas movies.  I had no idea that such a thing even existed.  Honestly, me and the little tykes are all feeling a little psychologically traumatized by these films.  If we don't pick a good one soon, I think our brains are going to explode.

Today's picture is called "Black Christmas."  Judging by the title, I'm assuming it's about an African-American family getting together for the holidays.  There is not nearly enough "diversity" in the movies Hollywood, California puts out, so I'm really glad that movies like this are being made.  I think it will be a great experience for my whole family to watch.  Especially my nephew Harry, who is African-American himself.  It will do Harry good to see people that look like him on the big screen.  Personally, I'm hoping that nice Tyler Perry will be in it as the matriarch of the family; that lady is a hoot!  So, excuse me for a bit while I watch "Black Christmas" with my boys.  I'll be back afterwards for my review...

Me and my three nephews are ready to learn the true meaning of Christmas with a loving African-American family.

Black Christmas (1974)

It turns out that there are only two black people in this entire movie, and they were just extras in the background of one scene!  Then why did they call it "Black" Christmas, you ask?  Try black as in "darkness," black as in "shadows," black as in "death!"  That's right, it's another MURDER MOVIE disguised as a CHRISTMAS FLICK!  This one is about a crazy psycho killer who murders a bunch of girls in a sorority house on Christmas Eve!  It's a lot like the movie "Halloween," if that one had taken place on Christmas instead of The Devil's Holiday.

"Agnes?  Is that you?  It's me, Billy!"

The movie had a good cast, including Margot Kidder, Keir Dullea, John Saxon, and that "Edith Prickley" lady from SCTV, and it was a very good example of the "slasher" film genre, if that's the sort of thing your in to.  But it's a lousy Christmas movie!  The creepiest part was the killer's voice.  He talked in a weird sing-song voice, imitating what I assume were his parents and family members.  My nephews actually got a big kick out of that, and have been running around imitating his voice all day long.  The worse part was that he kept calling all of his victims "Agnes," saying things like Agnes... it's me, Billy," before he murdered them.  And now my nephews have started to call me "Agnes!"  I don't like where this is heading...

A Pile of Dead Sorority Girls on Christmas Eve

MORE SCREENCAPS AFTER THE BREAK...

Silent Night (2012)

Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival


"Silent night, holy night, all is calm..."  Oh, hi there folks, Your Weird Uncle here, just trying to calm myself down by singing that sacred Christmas hymn "Silent Night." I've had a rough time of it the last couple of days, watching holiday movies with my three nephews.

First, we watched the movie "Frozen," which I thought was a Disney Princess cartoon, but turned out to be a movie about people freezing to death in the mountains!

Then we watched "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale," which I thought was a Santa Claus movie.  It was, but one where Santa was an evil demon!

Finally, we watched "The Minion," which I thought was a cartoon starring those adorable little yellow critters The Minions.  That one turned out to be a movie where Dolph Lundgren punches holes through people's skulls on Christmas Eve!


This has been driving me nutso!  These aren't the kind of family friendly movies I want to watch with my young nephews!  Luckily, I think I've finally got a good one.  It's called "Silent Night," and it's about a town that has an annual Santa Claus parade.  Now that sounds like family fun!  I'll be back with my review after I watch the movie...

Morty was so excited to watch this family movie that he stood up and stared directly into the TV screen!

 
Silent Night (2012)
 
 

How is this even possible?  How can every Christmas movie I try to watch with my nephews turn into a sick, depraved, murder flick?  Me and my beloved boys just watched "Silent Night."  Was it a movie about a Santa Claus parade?  Yes, kind of... but one of the Santas in the parade was a SERIAL KILLER! The movie was filled with violent, graphic, onscreen murder scenes, all perpetrated by Jolly Old Saint Nick himself!  What kind of freaks over in Hollywood, California would put something like that in a kiddie movie?

Axe-wielding Santa Stalks His Latest Victims

And if that wasn't bad enough, the film also featured SEXUAL CONTENT!  At one point they even showed A WOMAN'S EXPOSED BOSOM!  For several minutes even!  In a kid's movie!  My three nephews Morty, Ferdie, and Merde couldn't believe it!  Little Morty actually rolled around on the ground yelling, "I'm so confused!  What are those things!  Make it stop!"  It was like those exposed Santa penises in "Rare Exports" all over again!  I explained to my nephews that naked women do not exist in real life, and that they are only Hollywood, California special effects.  But once again, I don't think the boys believed me.  Damn you Hollywood, California!  Your ruining innocent young minds!

A Pornographic Photography Session... In a Kid's Movie?!?!

And I'll tell you what... next time I see Larry over at Hollywood Blockbuster Video, I'm going to give him an earful.  He's clearly not the film expert he makes himself out to be.  Oh, well, I guess I'll try again tomorrow.  The law of averages pretty much guarantees that the next picture will be wholesome family entertainment.  I mean how many Holiday Horror movies can there even be?  Who would want to watch them?  I'm sure the next one will be wholesome... it'll be wholesome, or my name isn't Your Weird Uncle!

Santa Claus Covered in the Blood of His Victim

MORE SCREENCAPS AFTER THE BREAK... 

The Minion (1998)

Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival

Oh boy!  I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!  Hi there, folks, I'm Your Weird Uncle.  Recently I picked up a stack of Christmas movies from my buddy Larry over at my local Hollywood Blockbuster video, in order to entertain my three nephews who are visiting for the holidays.  But if you've read my past two movie reviews, you'll know it hasn't gone as planned.  Both of the movies we've watched so far, "Frozen" and "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale," turned out to more like horror movies then holiday movies.  They were both full of violence, blood, and freakiness, which is not at all what I expected.

I gotta say, my buddy Larry was way off when he recommended those two movies. Hopefully, this next one will be better suited for my three adorable little nephews.  It's called "The Minion" and takes place on Christmas Eve.  Even though I'm not up on all of the latest kiddie cartoons, even I have heard of these "Minions" characters.  They are these little yellow critters, I think they might be talking bananas, or Twinkies, or something.  Well, whatever they are, I know the kiddies go bug-eyed for 'em, so this one ought to be right up their alley.  Apparently it stars the voice of Dolph Lundgren, which is great casting.  His goofy foreign accent is perfect for a cartoon character.

Larry also says this one has a religious theme to it as well, which pleases me to hear.  After all, we should never forget that "Jesus is the Reason for the Season."  So, let's fire up the VCR, it's time for another trip to my Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival!  I'll be back after we watch the film with my review...

"Alright boys!  Are you ready for your little cartoon friends, The Minions?"

The Minion (1998)

Okay, so the movie begins and it's Christmas Eve, 1999 in New York City.  But apparently, they couldn't afford to shoot it in the winter or something, so they have a voice over from the weatherman saying there is a record heatwave so there will be no snow this year.   Boo!  C'mon, guys, what fun is a family fun Christmas movie without snow?

Usually "The Minions" are portrayed as cartoons, like this...

...but in this movie, "The Minions" are played by live action actors wearing yellow hard hats and blue jumpsuits!

The first characters we meet are workers in blue jumpsuits and yellow hard hats.  But real live people, not cartoons.  So I'm thinking, maybe this is a live-action version of the Minions?  That sounds like fun!  Then people start getting possessed by a demon, and a priest played by Dolph Lundgren shows up and punches them in the back of the head while wearing a spiked glove... because the portion of the brain in the back of the head (the part that gets pierced by the spikes) is the part where the demons live!  What the heck?  Does that even make sense?  Then there are a bunch more fights, the Antichrist's apocalypse is averted, and then, the end.

A Minion helps an archaeologist investigate a skeleton.

This is driving me crazy!  What the heck kind of coo-coo bananas Christmas movies are they making these days?  What family would want to gather around the television roasting chestnuts, drinking egg nog, and watching this garbage?  Honestly, it wasn't even a good "Dolph Lundgren Punches People" movie, and that is a hard genre to screw up.  But as a Christmas movie? No stars, thumbs down, it's a stinker.  My three young nephews were not entertained by this one, and neither was I.  I'm starting to think that my buddy Larry isn't as big of a movie expert as I was giving him credit for. Hopefully the next Christmas flick won't be this bad.



MORE SCREENCAPS AFTER THE BREAK...

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival

Hi!  I'm Your Weird Uncle.  That's right, first name "Your," middle name "Weird," and last name "Uncle."  If you're family is anything like the Uncle family, you might have children visiting your home for the holidays.  That's why it's a good idea to stock up on family friendly holiday movies, so the little tykes have something to do and don't get bored.  My buddy Larry over at the local Hollywood Blockbuster Video just hooked me up with a big stack of all the latest and classic Christmas movies, so I'm all set!

Larry's kind of a creepy guy, and honestly, some of these movies look kind of... odd.  But he works at the video store, so he must know what he is talking about.  Larry assures me that they are chock full of Sleigh Rides, Mistletoe, Gingerbread Men, and all that Christmas stuff that the kiddies go coo-coo for.  But "Frozen," the movie we watched yesterday, turned out to be a movie about freezing to death in the mountains, not at all what I expected from a "Disney Princess Musical."

But don't worry, I'm sure today's movie will be better.  It's called "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale."  Heck, it's got "A Christmas Tale" right there in the title!  Larry tells me it's about a young boy who has a magical adventure in the North and meets Santa Claus.  Just the sort of thing that my three nephews will go bonkers for!  I'll be back with my review after I watch the movie...

"Fire up the VCR!"  Me and my three nephews are watching "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale!"
 

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Oh for Pete's sake!  What is this malarkey?  Was it about a boy meeting Santa?  Yeah, but this version of Santa was some monstrous evil demon!  There was blood, and explosions, and creepiness!  Plus the end had a Santa Claus group shower scene that showed Santa Claus's penis!  Imagine that!  I had to explain to my nephews what penises were, and trust me, they were not happy about it!  I explained to them that it was just a movie, and there was no such thing as a penis in real life, but I'm not sure if they believed me.

A father butcher's a pig in front of his son, who is in his underwear.  Merry Christmas, everybody!

Plus, they were speaking "Foreign," so I couldn't understand a word they said.

Nothing says "Christmas" like a creepy voodoo doll!

Still, this actually was a pretty entertaining movie, although I would say it was more for grown-ups than kids.  Unless your kids are creepy weirdos, in which case they'll probably love it.

A dozen filthy Santas are hosed down in a group shower, exposing their genitals and butt cracks to the audience.  Hopefully they didn't hang any mistletoe in there.

More screencaps after the break...