Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival
"Silent night, holy night, all is calm..." Oh, hi there folks, Your Weird Uncle
here, just trying to calm myself
down by singing that sacred Christmas hymn "Silent Night." I've had a rough time of it the last couple of days, watching holiday movies with my three nephews.
First, we watched the movie "Frozen
," which I thought was a Disney Princess cartoon, but turned out to be a movie about people freezing to death in the mountains!
Then we watched "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
," which I thought was a Santa Claus movie. It was, but one where Santa was an evil demon!
Finally, we watched "The Minion
," which I thought was a cartoon starring those adorable little yellow critters The Minions. That one turned out to be a movie where Dolph Lundgren punches holes through people's skulls on Christmas Eve!
This has been driving me nutso! These aren't the kind of family friendly movies I want to watch with my young nephews! Luckily, I think I've finally got a good one. It's called "Silent Night," and it's about a town that has an annual Santa Claus parade. Now that
sounds like family fun! I'll be back with my review after I watch the movie...
Silent Night (2012)
How is this even possible?
|Morty was so excited to watch this family movie that he stood up and stared directly into the TV screen!|
How can every Christmas movie I try to watch with my nephews turn into a sick, depraved, murder flick? Me and my beloved boys just watched "Silent Night." Was it a movie about a Santa Claus parade? Yes, kind of... but one of the Santas in the parade was a SERIAL KILLER!
The movie was filled with violent, graphic, onscreen murder scenes, all perpetrated by Jolly Old Saint Nick himself! What kind of freaks over in Hollywood, California would put something like that in a kiddie movie?
|Axe-wielding Santa Stalks His Latest Victims|
And if that wasn't bad enough, the film also featured SEXUAL CONTENT!
At one point they even showed A WOMAN'S EXPOSED BOSOM!
For several minutes even! In a kid's movie! My three nephews Morty, Ferdie, and Merde couldn't believe it! Little Morty actually rolled around on the ground yelling, "I'm so confused! What are those things! Make it stop!" It was like those exposed Santa penises in "Rare Exports" all over again! I explained to my nephews that naked women do not exist in real life
, and that they are only Hollywood, California special effects. But once again, I don't think the boys believed me. Damn you Hollywood, California! Your ruining innocent young minds!
|A Pornographic Photography Session... In a Kid's Movie?!?!|
And I'll tell you what... next time I see Larry over at Hollywood Blockbuster Video, I'm going to give him an earful. He's clearly not the film expert he makes himself out to be. Oh, well, I guess I'll try again tomorrow. The law of averages pretty much guarantees that the next picture will be wholesome family entertainment. I mean how many Holiday Horror movies can there even be? Who would want to watch them? I'm sure the next one will be wholesome... it'll be wholesome, or my name isn't Your Weird Uncle!
|Santa Claus Covered in the Blood of His Victim|
MORE SCREENCAPS AFTER THE BREAK...
|A Man is Tied Up With Christmas Lights|
|Santa Claus in His Murder Basement|
|A Flock of Santas|
|TV Funny Man Donut Logue Plays One of the Santas in This Flick. Could Donut Logue be the Killer? It's a Mystery!|
|The Police Discover a Dead Body in Santa's Murder Basement|
|Blood Soaked Bedding|
|A Severed Hand... Merry Christmas, Everybody!|
|When This Santa Knocks On Your Door, Don't Answer It!|
|Blood Drips From Her Mouth... Merry Christmas, Everybody!|
|Santa's Murder Scythe|
|Santa Claus Suffocates His Victim With a Plastic Sheet... Merry Christmas, Everybody!|
|Santa Claus Chases His Victim With an Axe|
|Ho Ho Ho! Gone to the Santa Parade!|
|A Severed Leg Flies Through the Air|
|Santa's Victim Screams|
|The Crime Solving Chalkboard|
|Sexy Girls Sing Christmas Carols|
|Only Two People in Church on Christmas Eve, and One of Them is Murder Claus!|
|Serial killer Santa Claus silently prays to Our Lord Jesus Christ before chopping off the reverend's fingers and stabbing him to death.|
|The Santa Parade|
|Free Donut Logue!|
|Shot in the Head|
|Murder Claus Prepare to Slaughter Everyone in the Police Station|
|Santa Claus Dies Consumed By Flames... Merry Christmas, Everybody!|
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