Friday, December 11, 2015

13 Christmas Carols From Hell

It's become something of a holiday tradition for me to scour the YouTubes to find the weirdest, creepiest, most perverted and outrageous Christmas songs ever recorded and then gather them together here on this blog, for the listening "pleasure" of all you creeps and weirdos out there.  So gather your loved ones 'round ye olde cell phones, computer monitors, and other internet enabled household appliances, 'cuz it's time for another batch of Kooky Creepmas Carols!

1. "Weird Al" Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero
Weird Al sings a peppy, traditional sounding Christmas pop song about celebrating the holidays during a nuclear holocaust.
Sample lyrics:
"Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero.  There's panic in the crowd.  We can dodge debris while we trim the tree, underneath a mushroom cloud."

2. Wild Man Fischer (duet with Dr Demento) - I'm A Christmas Tree
One of them is "wild" and one of them is "demented."  Together they duet a song about a Christmas tree and Santa Claus that sounds like it was sung by a mentally unhinged street corner doomsayer.
Sample lyrics:
"Oh, Santa Claus!  Oh, Santa Claus!  He breaks lots of laws!  He trespasses!  He breaks and enters!  He travels all around the world without a valid passport!"

3. Oscar The Grouch - I Hate Christmas
A Creepmas classic, as an actual monster sings about how much he hates Christmas.  Put this one on when you want to ruin the mood at your family's holiday gathering.
Sample lyrics:
"Here comes Santa, girls and boys.  So, who needs that big red noise!  I'll tell him where to put his toys!  I hate Christmas!"

4. Rudolph & The Gang - Here Comes Fatty Claus
Take the above Oscar the Grouch track, "I Hate Christmas," and multiply that hate by 100, and you'll have this charming ditty by Rudolph & The Gang.
Sample lyrics:
"Here comes fatty with his sack of shit, and all them stinkin' reindeer.  Well, I believe in Santa Claus.  Yeah, I believe that he's a prick."

More Creeptastic Christmas Tracks after the break...

5. Danger Woman - Sleigh Ride
This eardrum piercing rendition of "Sleigh Ride" is either musical incompetence at it's zenith, or a work of world-shattering genius.  You be the judge.

6. The Arrogant Worms - Christmas In Ignace
The Arrogant Worms are apparently well known comedians in Canada.  I know practically nothing else about them, and even less about the township of Ignace in Ontario, Canada.  But now I know what Christmas is like there, and it isn't pretty.

Sample lyrics:
"It's a jolly time here in Ignace as we decorate the Christmas Rock.  It's a happy time, and if the children are good they'll get toys to play with.  Like rocks."

7. Sam Ulano - The Story Of Santa Claus
This sounds like some weird old uncle decided to rent time in a recording studio and record his own Christmas novelty record, making it up as he went along, and possibly being high on amphetamines as he did it.  Bonus points for his maniacal laughter and making all the sound effects with his mouth.

8. Universal Robot Band - Disco Christmas
Everything is worse when you add disco to the mix, and Christmas music is no exception.
Sample lyrics:
"Come on Rudolph, hitch up that sleigh.  We're gonna fly down and have ourselves a DISCO Christmas!"

9. Sy Mann - Switched on Santa - Tijuana Christmas
The person who posted this song to YouTube added video from the Mexican "Santa Claus" movie from 1959.  The one where Santa Claus battles Satan.  The video features a group of goofy demons dancing to "Tijuana Christmas" in the flames of Hell.  Enjoy.

10. South Park - Christmas Time in Hell
Christmas continues in Hell with this song from South Park sung by Satan himself.
Sample lyrics:
"Everybody has a happy glow!  Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow!"

11. The Ramonas - Santa's Got a GTO
A gang of female Ramones clones singing about a GTO seems like it was engineered specifically to appeal to the tastes of world famous radio DJ Rodney Bingenheimer, and it worked, because this song ended up on his Christmas compilation. 
Sample lyrics:
"You better not cry, you better not frown, Santa's gonna run you down!"

12. Tales from the Crypt - 12 Days Of Cryptmas
"Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas," the Tales From The Crypt Christmas album, might just be the greatest Christmas album ever.  Evey single track on this album gets played in heavy rotation at my house during the holiday season.  In this track The Cryptkeeper (voiced by John Kassir) performs his ghoulish interpretation of the classic Christmas tune "The 12 Days of Christmas."
Sample lyrics:
"On the twelfth day of Cryptmas my ghoul love gave to me, twelve axe men lopping, eleven choppers chopping, ten heads kerplopping, nine stranglers strangling, eight manglers mangling, seven werewolves howling, six fiends disemboweling, five mortal wounds, four thousand volts, three lethal blows, two murderous shoves, and a trip to the mortuary."

13. The Addams Family - We Wish You A Merry Christmas
What better way to end a night of Creepy Christmas Carols than with a holiday classic sung by horror heroes "The Addams Family?"

For more Creepmas tunes, see some of my posts from previous years:

YouTube Christmas 2012

The Top 10 Creepiest Christmas Songs

13 Christmas Songs for Creeps and Weirdos

I'm a CREEP for The 13 Days of CREEPMAS