Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Your Weird Uncle's Winter Wonderland Family Film Festival

Hi!  I'm Your Weird Uncle.  That's right, first name "Your," middle name "Weird," and last name "Uncle."  If you're family is anything like the Uncle family, you might have children visiting your home for the holidays.  That's why it's a good idea to stock up on family friendly holiday movies, so the little tykes have something to do and don't get bored.  My buddy Larry over at the local Hollywood Blockbuster Video just hooked me up with a big stack of all the latest and classic Christmas movies, so I'm all set!

Larry's kind of a creepy guy, and honestly, some of these movies look kind of... odd.  But he works at the video store, so he must know what he is talking about.  Larry assures me that they are chock full of Sleigh Rides, Mistletoe, Gingerbread Men, and all that Christmas stuff that the kiddies go coo-coo for.  But "Frozen," the movie we watched yesterday, turned out to be a movie about freezing to death in the mountains, not at all what I expected from a "Disney Princess Musical."

But don't worry, I'm sure today's movie will be better.  It's called "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale."  Heck, it's got "A Christmas Tale" right there in the title!  Larry tells me it's about a young boy who has a magical adventure in the North and meets Santa Claus.  Just the sort of thing that my three nephews will go bonkers for!  I'll be back with my review after I watch the movie...

"Fire up the VCR!"  Me and my three nephews are watching "Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale!"
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Oh for Pete's sake!  What is this malarkey?  Was it about a boy meeting Santa?  Yeah, but this version of Santa was some monstrous evil demon!  There was blood, and explosions, and creepiness!  Plus the end had a Santa Claus group shower scene that showed Santa Claus's penis!  Imagine that!  I had to explain to my nephews what penises were, and trust me, they were not happy about it!  I explained to them that it was just a movie, and there was no such thing as a penis in real life, but I'm not sure if they believed me.

A father butcher's a pig in front of his son, who is in his underwear.  Merry Christmas, everybody!
Plus, they were speaking "Foreign," so I couldn't understand a word they said.

Nothing says "Christmas" like a creepy voodoo doll!
Still, this actually was a pretty entertaining movie, although I would say it was more for grown-ups than kids.  Unless your kids are creepy weirdos, in which case they'll probably love it.

A dozen filthy Santas are hosed down in a group shower, exposing their genitals and butt cracks to the audience.  Hopefully they didn't hang any mistletoe in there.

I'm a CREEP for The 13 Days of CREEPMAS

More screencaps after the break...

The Man on the Mountain

"Someone's buried here."  Merry Christmas, everybody!

"Danger Dynamite."    Merry Christmas, everybody!

A severed pig head is hung on a hook.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

Surveying a pack of reindeer that have been torn to pieces.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

Poking at an animal carcass with a stick.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

A giant hole in the ground.

"The real Santa was totally different.  The Coca-Cola Santa is just a hoax."

Santa Claus has a bloody wound.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

A child has been abducted, and a voodoo doll has been placed in his bed.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

Santa Claus bit off this guy's ear.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

Santa Claus is naked, and has streaks of blood in his beard.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

He sees you...

A giant, horned monster encased in ice.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

Naked elves armed with pickaxes.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

A giant explosion kills Santa Claus.    Merry Christmas, everybody!

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