Friday, December 13, 2013

13 Christmas Songs for Creeps and Weirdos

Happy December 13th, everybody!  To celebrate today, which is both Friday the 13th and the 13th Day of Creepmas, I'm back with another batch of weird, creepy, perverted, and outrageous Christmas songs to help counteract all of the syrupy-sweet cheer that most Christmas songs make you endure.

1. Heather Noel - Santa Came On A Nuclear Missile
This song was made as a song-poem.  Song-poems were a fad in the 20th century when people would send their lyrics or poems to a company in the mail, and the company would write music to accompany it, and record it in a studio with professional musicians.  They were basically a scam, the companies would con the lyricist into thinking they would make a profit from song royalties after they paid to have the song recorded, no mater how bad the lyrics actually were.  The juxtaposition of awful and awkward amateur lyrics with professionally recorded music often makes for a bizarre listening experience, and this Christmas song is no exception.  In the lyrics, Santa Claus becomes a frightening alien figure seeming to threaten Nuclear Armageddon.

Sample lyrics:
"Instead of my favorite teddy bear, he gave me a gun that was a laser.  Santa came and took away my smile.  Santa came on a nuclear missile."

2. Gary Peterson - Santa Doesn't Smoke Anymore
Is smoking bad?  Sure it is.  But do we really need Santa Claus hijacked into this politically correct anti-smoking screed?  Probably not.  But that's what we get in this song, written by Larry Nestor and sung by Gary Peterson.  This is the same mindset of people who want Santa Claus to go on a diet because he's too fat.  I suppose next PETA will be on his case for abusing reindeer.  Just let Santa be Santa, people!  That's what I say.

Sample lyrics:
"Santa doesn't smoke anymore.  He threw away his pipe and tobacco.  Now he can laugh longer, and feels so much stronger.  He did it cold turkey, didn't go wacko!"

3. Martin Mull - Santa Doesn't Cop Out on Dope
Martin Mull addresses the serious problem of children leaving Santa marijuana instead of cookies, in this oddball classic.  This seems like a sarcastic "Weird Al" style parody of the previous song, "Santa Doesn't Smoke Anymore," except it was recorded seven years earlier.

Sample lyrics:
"All year long he's busy making toys for all the little girls and the little boys.
He puts them in his sled and gives his whip a crack.  On Donder, on Blitzen, but never on smack."

4. Squirrel Nut Zippers - Santa Claus is Smoking Reefer
Oh, Santa, make up your mind!

Sample lyrics:
"Santa Claus is smokin' reefer.  Santa Claus is smokin' tea.  Hes so high in the sky, stays loaded all the time."

5. De La Soul - Millie Pulled a Pistol On Santa
Millie's father is the department store Santa Claus, and a beloved figure in the community.  When he sexually abuses his daughter, no one believes her story... so she takes matters into her own hands, in this tragic track from De La Soul.

Sample lyrics:
"I give a point, she pulls a pistol, people screamin'.  She shouts to Dill, 'He's off to hell cuz he's a demon!'  None of the kids could understand what was the cause.  All they could see was a girl holdin' a pistol on Claus."

6. Stan Freberg - Nuttin' For Christmas
A gleeful celebration of a violent and anarchic boy on Santa's "naughty list."  He won't be getting any presents for Christmas, but that's okay, because he is getting a "cut" from the burglar he is letting rob his parents' home.

Sample lyrics:
"I broke my bat on Johnny's head; somebody snitched on me.  I hid a frog in sister's bed; somebody snitched on me."

7. Tales from the Crypt - Christmas Rap
Another twisted song featuring the vocals of John Kassir as "The Cryptkeeper" from the Tales from the Crypt album, "Have Yourself a Scary Little Christmas."  In this one, The Cryptkeeper raps a list of Christmas wishes from various horror characters.

Sample lyrics:
"Jack the Ripper has a wish, and it's quite a pip.  He wants the Dallas Cowgirls cheerin' 'Hey Jack, let 'er rip!'  Lizzie Borden lost her folks, gave 'em 40 whacks.  She wants a brand new Mom and Pop, and, of course, an axe."

8. Spinal Tap - Christmas With the Devil
As usual, Spinal Tap's mock version of a heavy metal Christmas song leaves the real ones, such as Twisted Sister's version of "Oh, Come All Ye Faithful," or Dokken's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" in the dust.

Sample lyrics:
"The elves are dressed in leather and the angels are in chains.  Christmas with the Devil!
The sugar plums are rancid and the stockings are in flames.  Christmas with the Devil!"

9. Count Floyd - Reggae Christmas Eve In Transylvania
The vampiric denizens of Transylvania are frightened by reggae musicians in this oddball Christmas parody of The Monster Mash.

Sample lyrics:
"One Christmas Eve in Transylvania, the townsfolk were thrilled with a certain mania.  For on the night, when the sun went down, the scary Rastafarians came in to town!"

10. Bobby "Boris" Pickett - Monster's Holiday
Bobby "Boris" Pickett attempted to do for Christmas what "The Monster Mash" did for Halloween, with his follow-up single, "Monster's Holiday."

Sample lyrics:
"The tree was all trimmed in ghoulish things.  Like werewolf fangs and vampire wings."

11. Joseph Spence - Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town
This bizarre novelty song cover of "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town," which sounds like it is being played and sung by a drunken homeless maniac, gets even weirder when you find out that this guy is a serious and respected artist, and this song is not a joke.  Seriously, check out the Wikipedia entry on this guy:

Sample lyrics:
"ya-deggey doke doke, yoou deggie doke doke...  sandeegor ees coming ooooown!"
(rough translation)

12. Bob Rivers - Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear
These new lyrics are a vast improvement over the original lyrics of "Winter Wonderland."  This is a good one to go caroling with.

Sample lyrics:
"In the store, there's a teddy.  With little straps, like spaghetti.  It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night.  Walking around in womens' underwear."

13. Atomic Robot - Rudolph the Sexy Reindeer

Extra pervy song about how sexy Rudolph the Reindeer is.  By some weirdo who calls himself "Atomic Robot."

Sample lyrics:
"Oh, Rudolph, you're so sexy, with your tight Italian jeans (the kind the ladies like) and your thin, greasy mustache."

Merry Creepmas everybody!
- Joshua "Atomic Robot" Raymond

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